


Revenge of the Breadbox Editions

by Nialla



Series: Breadbox Editions [6]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: The audience gets... proactive.





	Revenge of the Breadbox Editions

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to members of my Live Journal friends list for their feedback and support: justalurkr, or_mabinogi, juliabk, _minxy_, lovellama, aurora_novarum, aizjanika, lt_kitty, janedavitt, spacemonkeyphd2, eviljr, amnellwyvern, ducks_in_a_row and cerianite. Without them, I might never have written this, so blame them. And a special thanks to the folks at Solutions for hosting the Breadbox Editions and the episode transcripts I massacre.  


* * *

INT. THE AUTHOR'S MIND

AUDIENCE: Scary place.

SLASHERS: Oh, look! Porn!

WRITERS: The show's been cancelled! [muttering] About damn time! Now we can move on to something bet-ter!

SCI FI EXECS: Yes, now we just need another hour and we can have cheesy bug movies two days in a row!

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FANS: You're not looking at us, are you?

SCI FI EXECS: Oh, no, you're our media darling!

ATLANTIS FANS: [gulp]

HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: Oh noes! We must save our show!

OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: It's been a good ten years. Qué será, será.

NOROMOS: Well, mostly good. Once you learn to close your eyes and say, "La la la la, I can't hear you!" at the appropriate times.

WRITERS: That's been _our_ feeling on the subject for ages.

TEAL'C FANS: [are stoically silent in protest]

AUDIENCE: And how's that working for ya?

TEAL'C FANS: [activates staff weapons]

AUDIENCE: Moving right along.

NOT EXACTLY JONAS' FAN CLUB: It's been nine years, 'kthanxbunches.

FANS WHO QUIT WATCHING A FEW SEASONS BACK: You mean it's still on?

ATLANTIS FANS: [smug]

SCI FI EXECS: Don't get too comfy.

ATLANTIS FANS: Eep!

BITTER FANS: Can we save the show from the writers?

WRITERS: Hey! We heard that!

BITTER FANS: Good. Now if you'd only _listen._

AUDIENCE: So now there are just ten new episodes left?

WRITERS: And two made-for-TV movies that'll be just the bestest things evar! It'll be new, it'll be fresh, it'll be...

AUDIENCE: It'll be sounding like a feminine hygiene product.

NOROMOS: Well, at least they won't have enough time to wedge in Sam and Jack getting married on the gateramp before it's over.

WRITERS: We did mention the movies, right?

NOROMOS: [facepalm]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Because 200 was NOT ENOUGH!!!! We won't rest until we get a real kiss onscreen.

SLASHERS: Oh, cry us a river. We never get _anything_ onscreen. [looks at the writers and what they've done with ship] Which is probably for the best.

SNIT: Now wait just a damn minute! We don't have to take this!

FANS WHO WANT TO SAVE THE SHOW: Yeah! We can fight for our show to return!

SNIT: "Our show" has been past its expiration date for a while now. We say we go back.

AUDIENCE: Back?

SNIT: Back to the thrilling days of yesteryear. Back when fandom was relatively peaceful. Back when there was a team.

JACK FANS: Back when men were men and sheep were scared.

AUDIENCE: Say what?

JACK FANS: Sorry, we were bored and thought it was time for an inappropriate joke. Cosmic Giddiness Lives!

SNIT: [glares at Jack Fans] Anyway... Back when the team cared for each other more than they should...

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Yes! There's the line we hang our shippy dreams on.

SNIT: Not in the romantic way, ya gits!

NOROMOS: Yes!

AUDIENCE: You mean... go back... to a past episode?

RODNEY MCKAY: Better not be "Back to the Future" because that movie was totally illogical.

F/X FANS: We know! Let's steal the puddlejumper that can time travel! And then we can go back in time, with cool effects!

AUDIENCE: Or we could, like, rent a DVD.

F/X FANS: Oh. [pout]

AUDIENCE: If it makes you happy, you can take the puddlejumper and nuke the writer's room from orbit.

NOROMOS: It makes us very happy.

SNIT: Positively giddy.

ALIENS FANS: It's the only way to be sure.

WRITERS: Oh, you wouldn't.

AUDIENCE: Tick tock, baybee, tick tock.

F/X DEPARTMENT: But it would be so kewl! We've got a new computer and everything. It was purchased for Atlantis of course...

AUDIENCE: Of course.

F/X DEPARTMENT: Oh, come on, please?! You like it when shit blows up!

WRITERS: Not when we're the shit in question!

BITTER FANS: Let the record show...

AUDIENCE: So where do we go?

DANIEL FANS: Absolute Power.

AUDIENCE: Why that one?

DANIEL FANS: It's got Evil!Daniel. In white pants. What can we say, we're shallow, so what more could we want?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Full frontal nudity? No? How about a close up of the cork-popping scene?

DANIEL FANS: Oh my, yes.

PETER DELUISE: That could be arranged.

DANIEL FANS: If so, we will put up a statue in your honor and worship it daily.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: And make sure you're not in the writers' room when the F/X guys nuke it from orbit.

NOROMOS: Unless you put in more shippy stuff, then the deal's off.

SNIT: What they said. [nods]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Well, actually...

SNIT: Don't even. We're talking about the greater good here.

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [sigh] OK. It's not like we're not used to constant disappointment anyway.

SOLDIER SAM FANS: At least it's not as bad as what we get -- a female soldier who can practically kill people with her brain, not to mention kill them six times before they hit the ground, being treated like The Girl. Who's got a crush on her boss, yet doesn't have the guts to say it. Oy.

AUDIENCE: Hey, where are the BDSMers? We worry when they're this quiet. OK, more like go into a constant state of fear.

BDSMERS: We're busy screencapping all the leather-wear in season nine and ten, but we'll get back to you when it's time to watch an older episode.

DANIEL FANS: [observe a moment of silence for undercover rawhide]

AUDIENCE: So we're on? We're just waiting on the DVD now?

BREADBOX EDITION WRITER: Um. Yeah. DVD. [forages through undergrowth of the DVD pile]

 

TUNE IN... ERRRR... WHENEVER THE WRITER GETS OFF HER ASS AND MASSACRES THE TRANSCRIPT OF ABSOLUTE POWER.


End file.
